Losing my Mom... and learning to cope?

Knowing that she is gone is still unimaginable and maybe the reality hasn't hit yet, I don't know. In his book, When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults, Edward Myers states, “Loss of a parent is the single most common form of bereavement in this country. Yet the unstated message is that when a parent is middle-aged or elderly, the death is somehow less of a loss than other losses. The message is that grief for a dead parent isn’t entirely appropriate.” So that would explain why I feel guilty when I am sad and want to cry but can't because I don't want to explain to others I am crying because my mom just died and yet, here I am, working? You never expect the sky to fall down-the sky is always there and always will be. And yet that’s exactly how I felt about my mother dying... the sky suddenly fell.

It is the little things that make me cry. We finally got that fireplace (electric) that we'd been keeping an eye on (winter close out sales) to fill the real fireplace spot. I found myself wanting to call mom, or email her a pic of it. looks like real fire, makes noise, even puts out heat. She would have LOVED it... but I can't call her anymore. I can't send her skeletal remains from the beach. I can't email her pictures of the Siamese she sent to live with me. And I can't call her just to tell her I miss her or how much I love her. I can (and do) call Dad still... but I know he misses her even more than i do. How do you wake up alone after almost 47 years of marriage?

When she left, the void was and forever will be immeasurable. She was here one day, and gone one night. No more laughing together, no talking, no sharing of secrets, no more hugs, no more i love you’s, no more i’m sorrys. Just no her, no more. Period. Yes, I am grateful that she is no longer gasping for breath and her heart is no longer trying to do the impossible. But I am also sad that my mother, ny only mother, left me. Abandonment issues, I know.. and they are my issues, I know that. But I was not ready. I am still not ready. And so I mourn.

Speaking of that, no two people cope the same, even when twins who grew up in the same house lose their mother. And by "lose" I do not mean misplaced... I mean that my mother died @ 3:05am on Tuesday, March 19th 2013. (Dad, that comment was for you...note I did not say she "passed".) My brother also lost his mother, and for that he has my heartfelt sympathy...because I know what he is going through,. I only hope he finds his way through the loss and into some peace.

go with Grace, Sandra Jeanne Alderman Stell.
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